The Caterpillar's Advice
Well hello again, kiddies!
Welcome back to the MADDEST show on television. We've got another
exciting show again today with a very entertaining guest, Mr.
Caterpillar. Do remember: Mr. Caterpillar does love his
hookah and brings it along everywhere he goes, so if you are allergic
to smoke or simply do not like it, please find your way to the nearest
exit and watch from the overflow room. Without further ado,
please welcome Mr. Caterpillar!
(applause)
Cheshire Cat: Hello
hello, Caterpillar. (Bringing head back to visibility) I
appologize... I know how much my disappearing bothers some people.
Caterpillar: It's fine, Cat. I'm quite used to your
antics. I do hope you don't mind my taking a few smoooookes off
my hooka here and there.
Cheshire Cat: No, no,
I've already warned the audience, but you should know that smoking is
terrible for your health.
Caterpillar: Yes,
Cat. I'm sure you're TERRIBLY worried about my health, but I
don't think that's what I am here to discuss today. Where is your
other half?
Cheshire Cat: Right,
right. I hear you met with our young Alice yesterday and acted
your maddest just for her. She sure does get confused easily,
doesn't she?
Caterpillar: Oh,
yeeees. I forget that you're always lurrrrrrrking around, Cat,
but it's true, and she gets so perturrrrrbed! I simply played the
same little games with her that I do with everyone else here in
Wonderland, but she got in a little tizzy!
Cheshire Cat: Do
elaborate.
Caterpillar: Well, I was
sitting on my mushroom, minding my own business, when Alice came
stumbling up, just staring at me. Has she never seen a
caterpillar sitting on a mushroom smoking the hookah before?
Sheesh. I find it unpolite when people stare, so I was a bit rude
when I asked her, "Whooo are youuuu?" Poor girl, she can't even answer
the simplest of questions. She said she wasn't sure who she was
because she had grown and shrunk so many times that day, whatever that
means.
Cheshire Cat: Oh yes,
that's a long bit of the story you missed out on, and I don't think we
have the time to go over it again today, so I guess it's your
loss! I, however, witnessed the whole thing! But please,
don't let me interrupt.
Caterpillar: How kind of
you, Cat... always so thoughtful. LIKE I was saying... Alice
proceeded to insult me by saying that whenever I decided to turn into
an chrysalis and then into a butterfly, I, too, would become quite
confused. (Pausing to smoke from the hookah) I am NEVER
confused. And what makes this whole situation even worse, she
insulted my height! I am a respectable three inches tall, for
goodness sake! Confused little brat.
Cheshire Cat: HA!
(Bringing body back) Yes, Caterpillar, everyone here in
Wonderland is sooo intimidated by your stature.
Caterpillar: As I was
crawling away, utterly insulted, I gave her one bit of advice, "One
side of the mushroom will make you grow taller, while the other will
make you grow shorter." She looked confused, which I must confess
cheered me up a bit, but I didn't bother trying to help her anymore, so
I'm not quite sure what happened. I'm sure you were there,
though, Cat, being the creep that you are.
Cheshire Cat: Haha,
yes. As I'm sure you can imagine, when she ate a piece of the
left side of the mushroom, she shrank infinitesimally, so much so that
she could barely fit a piece of the other side of the mushroom into her
mouth! Haha. Nonetheless, she did, and her neck grew so
much that she was of even height with the trees, which looked so funny
because her neck was sooo long and skinny!
Caterpillar: (Puff,
puff, blowing smoke "o's" in Cat's face) Well, I am TERRIBLY sad
I missed it.
Cheshire Cat: (Cough,
cough) I'm sure you are. Well, folks, that's all I've got
for you today. Please give our friend the Caterpillar a hearty
round of applause, and be sure to come back next time because our guest
is sure to be more exciting than this one! Hahahahahaha!
(Disappears completely)
Caterpillar: (Puff,
puff) What a weeeeirdo.
Author's Note: I retold Advice from a Caterpillar from the
Caterpillar's point-of-view, and of course, since he is always around
somewhere, from the Cheshire Cat's point-of-view, as well. Now
you can see the idea that Alice is not very well accepted in
Wonderland, at least by the characters we've met so far: the
Cheshire
Cat, the White Rabbit, and the Caterpillar. The Caterpillar is
supposed to come off as really weird and puzzling, and someone who is
easily offended by rudeness. As always, the Cheshire Cat is the
true trickster and always gets on everyone's nerves! I left out
the details of what happened when Alice ate the two different pieces of
the Caterpillar's mushroom because the Caterpillar wasn't there to see
it. I wanted it to come off like the Cat thinks he is cooler than
the Caterpillar because he gets to see everything that goes on in
Wonderland.
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