Heracles

Hello and welcome back to Zeus' Hidden Lair!  I'm sure you're here for a few good drinks and even better gossip about the gods, and I think you will find Heracle's story quite juicy!  Have a seat and make yourself comfortable.  We haven't got much time before the gods start showing up!  I guess I'll start at the beginning of his story so you guys aren't lost...

Heracles is the son of the great god Zeus (who is also quite the man whore but hey, everyone has their faults) and the mortal woman Alcmena.  Heracles' troubles all started when he was born because Zeus was actually married to the goddess Juno, who rightfully was enraged at her husband's infidelity (especially since it was with a mortal woman).  When she discovered the mortal woman's pregnancy with Heracles, who sprang from Zeus' affair, she went a little mad and waged war against the yet to be born Heracles.   Juno then discovered Alcmena was actually pregnant with twins from two different men, one from Zeus and one from her husband (which is extremely rare and makes me think Zeus must have some powerful sort of sperm!).  Juno can be quite conniving when she's angry and made Zeus promise that whichever boy was born that night would be High King.  Of course, Juno went out of her way to ensure that a boy named Eurystheus was born first and made sure Eurytheus put Heracles through a series of dangerous tasks (also known as he Twelve Labors of Heracles, all of which I know detail by detail because he whines about them sooo often, but I'll have to go more in detail about them in a minute...).  A few months after Heracles was born, psycho Juno actually sent two snakes to kill him while he was in his crib, but Heracles simply killed them with his own little infant hands, showing Juno the great force she would inevitably have to deal with.

Although many of you have probably heard of Heracles and his mighty strength, the boy sure is whiney!  (You've also probably never heard of his kinky homo-erotic tendencies, but I don't like to spread gossip...)  He is always going on about the extreme amount of guilt he has for killing his tutor Linus with a lyre.  (He should feel guilty though, shouldn't he?)  After this seemingly unwarranted murder, Heracles' foster father, Amphitryon (who was actually Alcmena's father, making him Heracles' grandfather), forced him to go to tend cattle on a mountain as punishment.  While he was there, two nymphs, Pleasure and Virtue, came and paid him a little visit, offering him an easy life full of pleasure, or a life with great risk in which he would be glorified; he chose the risky, glorious one.  (So, if you ask me, he should expect some drama in his life, I'm just sayin'.) 

He soon married King Creon's daughter, Megara, and made some babies.  Juno was still pretty pissed at Heracles and didn't like him leading such a pleasant life, so she made him go mad and kill his own children!  After coming to and realizing his heinous act, he fled to Apollo's Oracle (who is rarely ever wrong) for advice, not knowing Juno was telling the Oracle what to do.   The Oracle told Heracles he must serve Eurystheus for twelve years and follow any orders Eurystheus may give him, which turned out to he the Twelve Labors of Heracles.

All of the Twelve Labors were obviously designed to kill Heracles and rid him from Juno's life forever, but they did not succeed in doing so.  (Forgive me, these are in no specific order because I always get the order mixed up, but the order really doesn't matter, I swear!)  The first two were to kill massive monsters, the Nemean lion and the water beast the Lernaean Hydra (which was snake-like with many heads) but after he succeeded in doing so Eurystheus figured he was giving Heracles tasks that were way too easy.  The third labor was to capture the Ceryneian Hind, which was a sacred favorite deer of the goddess of hunting, Artemis.  This deer was so fast it could outrun anyone, but of course, Heracles again succeeded.  He had a few more tasks in which he was supposed to capture something atrocious:  a wild boar from Mount Erymanthos, the troublesome Cretan Bull, and the three-headed dog Cerberus, all of which were not easy.  He was also forced to steal the apples from the Hesperides (sexy little nymphs who REALLY love their gardening) and the magical girdle from Hippolyta, the beautiful Amazonian woman, being forced to kill her in the process.  (If you can't tell, Heracles was really just doing Eurystheus' dirty work, which is kind of pathetic, but I don't want to judge the guy too harshly!)  He was also forced to kill the man-eating Symphalian birds, which was probably a good thing, if you ask me!  He forced him to round up the Mares of Diomede, a group of vicious, man-eating horses.  The last two were really just busy work.  He had to clean the stables of King Augeas, which contained the largest number of cattle in the country and had never been cleaned before. (Sick, I know.)  Finally, he had to herd the cattle of Geryon, which was not exactly easy because Geryon was a massive giant with three heads and three bodies (yeah, he wasn't exactly handsome...).

You see, Heracles sounds really tough, but he really can be a softy, and it kinda gets annoying!  He had a few other minor adventures, but believe me, those aren't nearly as interesting.  Oh look, here he comes!  Don't tell him I told you anything or else he won't want to have our kinky little playdates anymore!  Who knows, maybe you'll hear something juicy too...         

Author's Note:  The narrator of  my story is Ganymede.  I thought it would make it more interesting to have a voice that only hears the stories rather than one that experiences them firsthand, which would have to have been Heracles, in this case.  In the original story, greater detail was given to each of Heracles' adventures, but I thought that by not going into too great of detail, it shows how annoyed Ganymede is at having to hear these drunken stories so often.  It also shows a tad bit of spite and jealousy about the great adventures Heracles experienced.  In the original stories, the tasks and the monsters seemed a lot scarier because of the great detail given them, but without the detail the tasks seem a lot easier, which is what I was going for.  In the original story there is also a lot more information about the many affairs of Zeus, but I didn't think they were very relevant to my story and I thought it worked to just call him a man whore, because he was!  Hope you like it!  :D

Image Information:  Picture of Heracles.  Web Source:   Theoi Greek Mythology.

Source:
"Heracles." Web Source:  Wikipedia.