(The audience boos as Emily comes on stage. One angry audience member throws something at her. Emily turns angrily towards the audience.)

Emily: Hey! You better watch it. I'm trying to keep my temper in check now, but don't test me.

Jerry: Ha ha, okay Emily, take it easy. Why don't you have a seat over here?

(Jerry quickly grabs her by the arm and guides her to a seat next to Davie. Davie glares angrily at her.)

Emily: Oh, get over it, kid. I've got bigger things to worry about.

Jerry: So, Emily, why don't you tell us your story?

Emily: Well, like Davie, I let magic get the best of me. So, I had this genie that I kept locked up in my room at the palace. He really wasn't a very magical genie, sort of a runt, if you will. I just kept him because, every day, he would tell me how beautiful I was, and then I could feel good about myself and go about my business.

(Some audience members loudly scoff at this. Emily shoots them an angry glare.)

Hey, being the Sultan's wife is a stressful thing. Living in the palace as Queen isn't as easy as you might think it is. Anyway, one day my genie caught sight of my husband's daughter, Princess Victoria. I don't really care for the girl. She's not my child, after all. My genie immediately fell in love with her because of her beauty, and from that day on, would only speak of how beautiful Victoria was. This really ticked me off. I'm the queen. I'm supposed to be the fairest one of all, no? So on a particular sunny day, I suggested that Victoria and I go for a long and winding walk. She got sleepy and lay down in the forest, and then I ditched the little brat. She never found her way home and, for a while, I was rid of her.

(The audience continues to boo and shout at Emily)

Would you just shut up and let me tell my story?! Months later, you can imagine how pissed I was to receive word that she was alive and well, living with three brothers who had taken her on as their sister. I've got this unlicensed witch doctor, who I can score really great prescription drugs from on the down low, so I went to her and asked what I should do. She gave me these poisonous, glittery bobby pins, telling me that if the Princess stuck them in her hair, she would surely die. And what little girl can resist a bit of sparkle? Ha. I disguised myself as a beggar and went to the house where she resided, while her 'brothers' were away hunting. The stupid thing fell for my bobby pin bit and, like clockwork, fell down dead as a doornail the second she stuck those suckers in her pretty little head.

(The audience gets incredibly angry, shouting obscenities at Emily, which she ignores.)

So, after this, I was content. I employed spies to keep watch over her body, making sure she could never return. Apparently, the brothers put her body in a golden casket for all to see, because she was "oh-so pretty." Some stupid jock prince came upon her casket one day, and took it, with Victoria's pretty corpse, to his home so he could always look at her. Disgusting, right? Some prince keeping a dead body in his house... what a loser. Can't even find a real, live girl to fall in love with. Well, my spies then reported that one day, while the prince was off at war, her body just disappeared from her casket. Now, obviously this was troubling, but I paid my spies good money. About a year or so after her body disappeared, I received word that she was, in fact, alive! The bobby pins had fallen out of her hair, and once the poisonous magic was out of her body, she regained her life. But my good, good spies informed me one day that she was again, lying asleep, alone in the forest. Keep in mind that about a year had passed at this point from the very first time I tried to ditch her, and she still hadn't learned her lesson. I went to the spot where she was asleep, intent on killing her for good, when that stupid prince arrived. I told him I was just looking after her, but then Victoria awoke, and told the Prince who I was.

Jerry: So your evil plot was foiled. I guess it serves you right, doesn't it? Alright, guys, stay tuned because after this commercial break, we've got even more excitement and drama coming your way. You don't want to miss this!


Author's note: The original version of the story, The Magic Hair-Pins, is far more complex. In fact, I was actually sad at having to omit so much detail, because I really had to leave out the heart of the story. The prince who comes across our fair Victoria is actually set to wed another girl. This other girl comes across the dead princess in the casket, sees the bobby pins in her hair, and pulls them out. The young Victoria then turns into a bird and flies away. The prince returns from war, finds his dead love missing, and is deeply upset. Meanwhile, the bird (Princess Victoria) flew to the palace every day to visit her prince. Because she was so sad, every tree that she sat upon died. This caught the prince's interest, and he captured the bird. Well then, the prince's wife recognizes this bird as the princess, wrings its neck and kills it. When the dead bird was flung into the garden, rose bushes sprang up everywhere a drop of its blood touched the ground. The roses from these bushes never withered or faded, and one day while a gardener was gathering these roses, one of them turned into a bird again, the princess! The gardener saw another bobby pin stuck in its feathers, took it out, and finally the princess regained her human form. And then finally, we get to the part in my retelling where Emily chances upon Victoria, but cannot kill her. It was just too much to fit in, especially seeing as that Emily wasn't around when any of this was happening, so it would have been too hard to tell from her point of view.