Jack

Jack and the Beanstalk

Okay, before you meet this guy you should know that you can't make any sudden movements around him. Okay? Oh, and one more thing, are you English? It doesn't matter. Don't say you are English, don't use any English words, don't even stand like an Englishman. Or he will want your bones to grind his bread. Yes, this is the ogre from Jack and the Beanstalk.

I'm sure that you remember Jack and Beanstalk vaguely, but just in case I'll give you a quick recap. Well, of Jack's side of the story that is. Okay, Jack and his mother live on a farm and one day their cow stops producing milk. Jack trades the cow for magic beans that grow a stalk straight up into the sky. When Jack climbs the stalk he finds the ogres house and steals gold from him multiple times. Okay, so you see? That's Jack's version. Now think about that for a second. Doesn't Jack sound like the villain? So now the ogre is going to tell you his side and just remember, stay still.

My wife and I used to live on a small farm with not much money to our name. We were shunned around town because we are ogres and everyone called us ugly and mean. I don't get it. Just because I'm a ogre, I'm ruthless and heartless? I know, I know, Shrek has helped our image recently. Anyway, we wanted to move, but we didn't have anywhere to go. When we had our house appraised, we found out it was worth much more than we expected because of these unknown beans growing in our garden. Some guy thought they were magic so I sold half to him for a very hefty price and planted the other half. From the beans a great bean stalk grew up to the sky. My wife and I knew that was going the be the place for us. We moved all of our stuff up there and built a beautiful house. We had enough money to last us the rest of our lives, till we met Jack.

All I know about Jack is that he came and stole our money. And then, he went bragging about town that he did. Of course, because we are ogres, people thought he was a clever hero! Why do people always take the human's side? Was it because I said "I smell the blood of an Englishman, be he alive, or be he dead, I'll have his bones to grind my bread?" Well, what would you say if someone was in your house stealing your gold? I wasn't really going to eat him. I was just trying to scare him enough so that he wouldn't come back.

I know that Jack ended up marrying the king's daughter and immediately my house was destroyed. When I went to the police to press charges, I was locked up in the stocks in the middle of town. My wife was left on the street to be a beggar. Jack made sure to come by everyday and throw rotten food at me. And so did the rest of town. I didn't even do anything. I was just living up in the sky minding MY OWN BUSINESS. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I DIDN'T. I JUST WANTED SOME PEACE AND QUIET. JACK! OH, JACK!!

Author's Note: I changed the original version by making it from the ogre's point of view. The original story is narrated by a neutral third party. There are a lot more details about Jack's life before he gets the beans and his encounters with the ogre's wife. My version leaves out the ogre's wife almost entirely. Joseph Jacob's version ends when Jack is stealing gold from the ogre and cuts down the bean stalk. The ogre "fell down and broke his crown," leading the reader to believe that he is dead. I kept him alive in this version to show what happened after Jack stole all of his gold. In the original, Jack steals gold from the ogre but is still considered a hero. I briefly state this, but show that Jack is really the bad guy that screwed up the ogre's life. I decided to keep in the key rhyme from this story that the ogre yells: "Fee-fi-fo-fum." I just thought that it was too important to leave out and it is the element of the story that people recognize the quickest. I also wanted to play with is a little bit and use it to begin and end my version of this classic story.