Aphrodite
First of all, I would like
to start by explaining once and for all this mix up about who the
"fairest" goddess is.
Everyone assumes that it is Aphrodite simply because she has so many
lovers, but if you ask me, that just shows how desperate she is. The
most beautiful goddess wouldn't need to throw herself at just any god
to feel beautiful and I cannot believe I am telling you this, but she
even throws herself at mortals! I know what you're thinking, it really
is disturbing that
a "goddess" would mix with a mortal, but Aphrodite's done it. Various
times. Oh, I'm sorry no
offense.
"Haha, none taken! I
understand that you being a goddess and me a mortal journalist, we
are on different levels."
Well, we were all at Peleus
and
Thetis' wedding a few years ago and, lets just say that Eris, the
goddess of
discord, had had a little too much Pantheon Punch that evening. She
talking to anyone who would listen about how no one had decided who the
fairest goddess
was. Then said she would determine this by sending a little golden
bird to fly around the party untill he found the most beautiful
goddess, and when he found the most beautiful goddess he would perch
right there on her shoulder. She let the little bird fly away and
Athena, Aphrodite and I all just happened to be dancing together in a
triangle enjoying
ourselves when this little gold bird flew in the middle of us all
and spun in circles until he got so dizzy he passed out! Eris came
running over and said that all of our beauty had made her golden bird
sick and now no one would ever know who the fairest goddess was!
The three of us had no idea
there was a so-called "competition" and Athena and Aphrodite acted as
if they were appalled! But, if you ask me, I don't think they were
upset at all. Only an insecure goddess would actually enjoy these
games! My
husband Zeus decided that something had to be done about this issue.
Apparently, confirming the title of the most beautiful goddess was a
very serious matter! To me, the choice was clear. But, obviously
everyone else said it
wouldn't be fair if Zeus' wife automatically won the title. It was my
decision for the
competition start right then and there.
Zeus appointed Paris, a
Trojan prince, to judge the competition. I knew that this competition
wouldn't be fair from the start because Athena began bribing Paris! The
fact is, I think Athena was simply too
scared to compete against us. Athena hates to lose and deep down she
knew she was going to. At that point I am almost positive her nerves
got to her, and from then on she pretty much gave up on the
competition. It was obvious to me because
she offered Paris the most pitiful little bribes. She offered to cook
for
him! Please, like any goddess even knows how to cook - besides me, of
course! I knew
that Aphrodite would offer Paris bribes that were much more valuable
than Athena's bribe, so I beat her to it. Because I am the most
powerful goddess, I offered Paris control over all of Australia! It is
the only country that is its own continent and I thought that would
please Paris. But, because Aphrodite was so desperate to win the
contest that she offered him "the most beautiful woman in the world."
Well, when a man is given a choice between Austrailia and an erotic
evening with a goddess, it is pretty obvious what he is going to
choose. Unless he prefers gods of course. But after I
saw how desperate she was I didn't want to embarrass her even more than
she already embarassed herself. So, I ripped up the contract that said
I was giving Paris the whole continent of Australia, and then he
appointed Aphrodite as the "fairest" goddess.
Everyone knew
about the incident and they all pitied her and praised me for being so
charitable. But to this day, Aphrodite refuses to admit that I did her
a huge favor by letting her win the contest, which
just goes to show how immature and insecure she is in her own
skin! Poor, poor Aphrodite, I really do pity the poor goddess.
Sometimes, I think she has the confidence of a mortal! No offense
again, sorry I always seem to do that.
"No worries Hera, I am glad that you are comfortable enough on camera
to speak so freely! This will only better the story."
Author's
note: In this story, I changed a lot of details from the original story
to spice it up and give it a little more drama. In the original version
of the story, Eris the goddess of
discord, simply wasn't invited to the wedding; in my verison, she is
present at the wedding, and intoxicated! Because Eris was
bitter and she causes discord she decided to throw a
golden apple, not a bird and wherever it landed would chose the fairest
goddess. In both stories the competition starts around the same place. In the original
story, Athena offered Paris wisdom and victory in battle; I changed
this to offering him her cooking, because I thought this was funnier
and more entertaining. I decided to change this just to make it a
little funnier and
more entertaining. In the original story, Hera
offered Asia, not
Australia as a bribe and she never ripped any contract. I just thought
changing the bribe to Australia was funny simply because of how Hera
always adds in that Australia is a country AND a continent. I added
some details about how Hera believes
that Aphrodite is really self-conscious and how she is always
desperate for attention. I do not know if this is true or not. It could
be though, because that is a normal way for women like Aphrodite to
act. It is obvious that Hera is trying
to throw all of the
other goddesses under the bus and make them look dumber than her, and
this was the perfect way to portray that. Hera stayed in
the competition till the very end in the original story. I found that
changing the ending so that Hera "drops out" will let the readers in on
why she has so much hostility towards Aphrodite! I hope you enjoyed it!
Image information:
Title: Birth
of Aphrodite (Venus
in Latin)
Author: Sandro Botticelli
Date: around 1482
Web Source: Wikipedia
Bibliography:
The Judgement of Paris
Wikipedia.com
"The Judgement of Paris" Website: Aphrodite