I will begin with my favorite story of all,
and tell you just how
the Trojan War got started. As many of you know, the Trojan War is
often referred to as the “War of Beauty.” Helen of Troy was said to be
the one who sparked the war and kept it going for so long. She was said
to be hands down the most beautiful mortal who has ever lived-
obviously nothing to compare to me, though! She had men fighting for
her love
for years because of her physical beauty. Didn’t I tell you beauty was
important in our day? Some of you are starting to look confused, so let
me
back up and start from the beginning...
It
started out like one of those bad chick-flick wedding movies, you know?
Three of us desperate women doing anything to try and catch the bouquet
of flowers destined for “the next one to marry.” You can see in the
picture here my old friends Hera and Athena. You will understand more
of why they show me these kinds of scowls the more you read on. As wise
as Athena is,
her ego tends to exceed her intellect every once in a while. She,
Hera and I were attending a friend’s bachelorette party when it all
began.
Our
friend was giving out prizes and the last one to be given was the one
we all had our eyes on, a platinum tiara inscribed with the words, “for
the fairest of them all.” It was obvious she meant to give it to me,
but after a few too many glasses of champagne she decided to make it
more “fun” for all of us. She read the inscription on the tiara and
asked which one of all the twenty goddesses in attendance honestly
deserved it.
I
stood up without anything holding me back- I knew I was the most
beautiful; I knew I deserved the tiara. It looked as though no one was
going to challenge me but as soon as I began to revel in my glory, both
Hera and Athena stood to contest my beauty. The room grew silent, and I
was shocked. All three of us wanted it. We all thought we were the
fairest. No
one knew who to give it to, so we looked to Zeus to settle the dispute.
When
we asked Zeus to judge who was in fact the fairest, he declined because
the contest had become so public and it was too big of a decision. He
sent us to the top of a mountain and made a poor shepherd named Paris
decide which of the three of us was the fairest. Of course we did more
than just
stand there and let the man judge our physical beauty! Please, we’re
not that shallow.... so we each bribed him! Athena promised him power
and money. Hera promised him glory and fame. I promised him a
beautiful wife.
It
didn’t take long for the shepherd to decide. He chose me! (I secretly
think he chose me based only on my physical beauty- who else would
choose a wife over glory and riches? Ha!) The other goddesses were
angry at his decision, thinking they could actually compete with my
beauty. The tiara was placed about my head and fit as if it were made
for me- which, of course, it was.
It
was then my responsibility to find the shepherd a beautiful wife, and I
knew exactly where to lead him. I brought him to the home of Menelaus,
the great king of Sparta, for he was married to the fairest mortal of
them all, Helen. I spoke of Helen earlier and how she had hundreds of
suitors before her marriage to Menelaus. The shepherd was able to
capture the heart of Helen and eventually convinced her to run away
with him to the city of Troy. When hearing the news of his wife’s new
lover, Menelaus gathered an army and invaded Troy to capture his wife
and take her back home.
So
you see ,my friends, the characters who play major roles in this story
are those possessed of great beauty. This war began because King
Menelaus wanted
to retrieve his wife due to her mere physical beauty. The “runaway
bride” was convinced to leave in the first place because my beauty and
guarantee of a beautiful wife had won the contest.
Some
may call what I got myself into a “contest” but I refer to it as an
utter and complete triumph of truth.
Author’s Note: I changed this story in many ways to
make it appeal more
to readers today. Although the same theme of “beauty triumphing over
all” still exists, I modified the characters and scenes just enough to
stress the importance of this particular theme. In the original story,
the women were thrown a golden apple at a wedding and all three of them
wanted it and thought they deserved it. Aphrodite was just as eligible
to claim the prize as any of the other goddesses. In my story, i
had them be at a bachelor party with their girlfriends drinking and
having a good time. I wrote it as if Aphrodite was meant to receive the
tiara (golden apple) the whole time, but her friends thought it would
be a little more fun to add the spice of a "friendly" competition.
The
rest of the story is very accurate in that Aphrodite promised the
shepherd on the mountain she would find him a beautiful bride and did
so. I used a much more informal tone and style in general to make the
story a bit more casual and easier to read. I summed up my re-telling
by emphasizing yet again the importance of beauty and how much power it
holds.
