Crushing Compliments
I have begun to notice that I have some severe tendencies toward failure. I don't know but I am starting to believe that I am self sabotaging and I am not really sure why. I know that I want to succeed in life and that I have a lot to offer, but it really does seem as if as soon as someone says something positive to me, I change that action, and even when I think to myself wow you are doing this, or good job or anything to that effect, that action immediately turns around to an opposite action.
For example, as soon as my mother will say to me wow you look good, are you losing weight, I will immediately begin to gain weight. I am not really sure why this is. I can not see it when it is happening, but I can observe it after the fact and acknowledge that I clearly turned the success into failure for absolutely no good reason. My mother will say to me you are so patient with the kids and I will immediately become impatient. I am not really sure if this only works for my mother or if everything everyone says to me takes the same effect. I almost become afraid for her to say anything nice to me, since once she does it is like a voodoo curse. It would kill her to know this, but for some reason I don't want her compliments, and maybe in some sense still like the young teenager fighting for independence, I almost feel as if I am not doing right by myself if I am pleasing her. I want to be my own person, and perhaps because of that I almost try to be defiant in some way.
I am thinking that I really need to figure out the root of this issue, as I can see that it is holding me back in my own life, from attaining the things I really want. I don't see my mother that often, but every compliment causes an opposite reaction from me. I just can't figure out why I would take a compliment and turn it into something negative. It is almost like I am saying to her, you think I am succeeding, well check this out. It is almost spiteful, but worse yet it is self defeating. I always try hard to stay positive, with a good outlook on life. I try to stay focused on my goals and not get easily pulled off track. I know I have an incredible will to succeed and yet somewhere deep inside obviously also lies an incredible will to fail. They are like equal and opposite forces fighting each other inside my body, mind and spirit.
I have been recently trying to do some self confidence meditation exercises and have been listening to positive tapes while I sleep to help program my subconscious. I haven't really seen any effects on this issue to this point, but I will try a few other things before I decide that enough is enough and head to counseling to get these issues resolved.
