THE NEW YORK POST

Page Six’s Version of The Unseen Bridegroom

By Caroline Lippman

 NEW YORK—New York high-society=the Ryan Family.  Everyone knows that!  Everyone also knows that private jets, penthouses, celebrity parties, and yachts are synonymous with the Ryans.  The last thing any one of Lucretia and Banks’ daughters would ever need to do is check out a personal dating website…but that’s exactly what happened!

            Molly, Erin, and Marissa Ryan are definitely the toast of the town.  But it’s no small secret that the youngest, Marissa, is the shining star.  So it came as no surprise that when Molly and Erin found out Marissa had met someone through the internet dating site “LonelySocialites.com,” they were the ones that spread it around the city.  Marissa had told her sisters in confidence that she had met a man through the dating site, and that she was attracted to how kind and thoughtful he was, but she had never actually seen what he looked like.  She said that at this point she was in love with him and it wouldn’t matter if he was really good-looking.  Well, Molly and Erin were burning with jealousy over their sister’s glowing happiness and couldn’t understand how she could think of reducing herself to internet dating!  After they told Marissa the guy could be a complete skeezy weirdo, she was still not deterred from wanting to meet him.  So the two older sisters tipped off all the major gossip columns and blogs, including yours truly, to what Marissa had been up to.  Oh snap!

            Marissa had never seen her new boy toy, but she knew his name was Parker James…so Google did the rest!  Scarily, she got his address and decided to go surprise him fact-to-face.  She was pleasantly surprised when she arrived at an amazing penthouse overlooking Central Park.  She anxiously rang the doorbell and waited for Parker to answer the door.  But it wasn’t her new love that came to the door…it was his mother!  Marissa politely introduced herself to Mrs. James, but she said Parker wasn’t home and shut the door before Marissa could leave a message for him. 

             Thinking this exchange was less-than-lukewarm on the part of Parker’s mother, Marissa returned later in the day, hoping someone else would answer the door.  A neighbor happened to be outside in the hall when she arrived for the second time.  Marissa inquired about Mrs. James’ sour demeanor and discovered that she had been widowed shortly after Parker was born and is uber-protective of him, fearing she’ll be end up all alone if he meets someone.  The informative neighbor also told Marissa that Mrs. James seems to be very fond of calla lilies and is always coming home with a Gucci bag in her hand, so it might not be a bad idea to send a gift to show she’s thoughtful and cares for her son.

             Marissa took the neighbor’s advice and had ten dozen calla lilies sent to the James’ apartment the following afternoon.  Although Mrs. James was thrilled to receive the flowers, they didn’t mean much to her…after all, doesn’t everyone with a pulse adore calla lilies? 

 Marissa hadn’t heard from Parker in a few days and was starting to get worried.  He hadn’t responded to any of her messages online, so she assumed his mother had found out about him meeting her on the web site.  Marissa remembered what the neighbor had said about her being an avid Gucci fan and thought maybe that would win her over.  The next afternoon, she had a courier drop off the new spring line of Gucci handbags.  Who wouldn’t want her dating their son?  That’s definitely what Marissa was hoping Mrs. James would think.

 Mrs. James was impressed by the value of the gifts, but felt there was still no thought put into it at all.  She didn’t want some spoiled brat trying to buy her good graces.  Tough customer!  When Parker found out about the gifts Marissa sent over and how they did not improve her standing with his mother at all, he knew he had to help her.  He sneakily pulled out his laptop and sent Marissa a quick message: “My father always gave my mother Chanel No. 5 perfume…she always stops and looks at it but will never buy any.”

 Perfect!  She was so happy to know that Parker wanted to help her and immediately took his advice.  But she knew she couldn’t just get Mrs. James any old bottle of Chanel No.5; it had to be special. 

 The next afternoon, Mrs. James answered the door to find another courier with a package.  She took it inside and opened it up.  Parker was watching from the doorway as he saw tears streaming down her face.  She turned to look at him and said, “This is the first bottle of Chanel No.5 ever made…Coco Chanel mixed it herself!”  As she composed herself, she told Parker to invite Marissa for dinner that evening so she could thank her personally.

 When Mrs. James answered the door and saw Marissa, she gave her a warm hug and smiled as she said, “I know who helped you; you absolutely must date my son.” 

 Everyone who’s been lucky enough to hear the story firsthand has been in tears by the end, except for Molly and Erin!  Those conniving bitches will learn their lesson after we print the pictures we took of them at Butter last night!

 Author’s Note:  In keeping with the theme of my storybook, I once again tried to add a lot of modern details and place the characters in settings the reader can relate to easily.  The Unseen Bridegroom is a fairytale that not everyone will be really familiar with, so I hope that as people read this retelling, they will also read the classic European version I based it on.  I kept most all of the characters from Joseph Jacobs’ version.  I kept the main female protagonist, her jealous sisters, the man she loves but has never seen, and his jealous mother.  Instead of the man’s aunts helping the girl, I had a neighbor give some friendly advice.  In the classic versions the female protagonist has to complete a series of tasks for her mother-in-law before she is allowed to see her husband again.  Instead, I have her going in search of the perfect gift for her mother-in-law.  She is still seeking approval from her, albeit in a different way.  One part I knew I definitely wanted to keep consistent was the ending when the man’s mother says, “I know who helped you.”  When I read this in the European version, I felt that it gave the mother a very human, sensitive side, instead of her just simply being jealous and mean.  Every character has more than one side and I think this one sentence manages to show her soft, feminine side very well.

Image Information:  Chanel No.5  Pitt Rivers Museum
Bibiography:  "The Unseen Bridegroom" by Joseph Jacobs, from European Folk and Fairy Tales (1916). Web Source: SurLaLune Fairy Tales