LC
needs to lock her doors!
Do we every get sick of The Hills' drama? Where else
could you find so much freakin' drama all bundled up in one
package? I am an avid fan of Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Spencer, Heidi
and the rest of the overpaid actors
damsels-in-distress. Their latest installment won't appear on the
reality show and Perez has been granted exclusive access to all the
dirty deets.
For those of you who don't watch the show regularly
(you people with lives), Lauren (LC), Audrina, and Lo have been living
as one happy family in Lauren's $3 million Hollywood Hills
bungalow. I like to refer to Audrina as the dirty stepchild
because LC and Lo have decided to gang up on her and shove her to the
guest house while they reside in the main house. Heidi has been
shunned by the group for a while now because she can't seem to get it
through her pea brain that beau Spencer Pratt is a total d-bag.
Nobody can stand him and he is very bitter that his beloved was
ostracized from the group because of him. Did I mention he's
dumber than rocks?
The girls were planning on having a booze fest get-together
last night with a few close friends. They each decided they
wanted to toast the good life over a bottle of their fave
champagne. Lauren bought a bottle of high-dollar Dom
Pérignon, Lo bought a less expensive bottle of Cristal, and
Audrina settled with a cheap bottle of Moët & Chandon.
They put their bottles of bubbly in an ice bucket on the kitchen
counter to chill while they ran to Sprinkles get the cupcakes for the
party.
Creepoid Spencer was loitering in the area and saw
the girls pull out of the driveway. God, he is such a creeper and
I'm hardly surprised by his next idiotic move. Feeling "excluded"
from the group, Spencer had the bright idea to sneak inside the house
and sabotage whatever he could. The back door was unlocked so he
just let himself right in.
He saw the champagne on the counter and helped
himself to the first bottle of Moët & Chandon. Thinking
that it was a tad bitter, he popped open the Cristal...nope still not
what the d-bag had in mind. AHA! Dom Pérignon, his
favorite because it is "just right." Spencer guzzled the
Dom, and feeling a strong buzz, decided to relax a minute.
He meandered to the living room and sat down in
Audrina's smallish chair. Not gonna do the trick. He moved
to the next chair; nope, still not comfy. Then he hopped on
Lauren's
oversized, two-person club chair and it felt great. A few
minutes later, he felt drunker and started getting a crick in his
neck. Spencer, who has no boundaries or couth whatsoever, decided
to go to the girls' bedrooms and check out the napping arrangements
there.
Audrina's bed was all the way out in the guest
house, so he wrote off that idea in the beginning. Surely Lauren
or Lo's bed would suffice. The first bedroom was Lo's and he went
right in and lay down. Scratchy, pink sheets? No way,
dude. But, Lauren's bed was just right, covered in Frette
linens. Spencer probably thought he was floating on cloud nine
and he passed
smooth out.
After fighting L.A. traffic, the girls finally
arrived home. As you can imagine, they were horrified at what
they
saw (not to mention totally freaked out). The counters were
sticky with spilled champagne and Lauren's Dom was all gone. Next
they noticed their chairs were disheveled, like someone had tried to
take a nap in each one of them. How f'n scary! It's like
Manson's "creepy crawling" hippies Hills
style!
The girls decided that before calling the cops, they
would look for other damage. They made their way to Lo's room and
all three of them shrieked in horror when they saw Lo's bed all messed
up. They knew right off the bat someone had slept in it.
All the shrieking had awoken Spencer, and thinking
on his greasy feet, he jumped out of the second-story window.
OUCH!? But, he wasn't quick enough because the girls saw his
blond, Ken-style Afro just as he was sliding out. Not so fast,
Spencer!
Lauren had experienced so many problems related to
Spencer in the past that she got a restraining order. Let's
hope the d-bag can grasp the meaning of "restraining" and stay the hell
away...no one cares about him anyway!
Author's Note: This post is based on "The Story of the Three
Bears" from Andrew Lang's Green Fairy Book. I decided to use
three characters from the Hills because they live together, just like
the three bears. I think The
Hills is hilarious and I love to
make fun of the scripted events that take place on the "reality"
show! I followed the structure of the original story pretty
closely, the major changes being the characters and the modernized
setting. The champagne seemed more realistic than porridge for
this plot, but I used chairs and beds like the original did. I
based my story on the traditional English version where a little, old,
haggard lady is the antagonist and here it is
Spencer. Everyone hates him on the show and I love to read about
the ridiculous stuff he pulls. The big bear is the head of
household, so is Lauren. The medium bear is comparable to Lo and
the baby bear is Audrina. This is where I changed things a
bit...instead of Audrina (baby bear) being the major protagonist, I
chose Lauren. It made more sense as I was writing and in real
life Spencer loathes Lauren and vice-versa. In the original, the
bears never have to see the old lady again. I'm hoping Spencer
follows the law and leaves Lauren alone! Again, I am writing as a
blogger, so the style is very casual and improper at times. I had
so much fun with this!
Bibliography: "The
Story of the Three Bears"from the Green Fairy Book by Andrew Lang
(1892).
Image Information:
Lauren's House via CasaSugar; Lo, Lauren,
Audrina and Spencer,
Butthead via perezhilton.com
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