Ganga's Regret

She had lived here these past years, blissful as a queen without the weight of her duties as a goddess. It had been a happy time for her within the memory of her long existence and especially in the memory of the time since she had come to earth from the heavens. While she had spent her time as the river Ganges she had purified the earth and the people who inhabited it. She had left the waters of the river to purify the souls of the Vasus that were to be reincarnated as her children for stealing the cow of Sage Vasishta. Ganga had been discovered by King Santanu by the river and he desired her as a wife. For years they had lived in happiness and Santanu kept the promise he had made to not question anything she did. Then they had their first child. He was beautiful and perfect except that his fate was not to grow up. She drowned him. It was the child's fate to die and go back to heaven as punishment for his crime. It didn't stop Ganga from grieving for the loss even though they had requested to be sent back to heaven immediately upon birth. It was with each child birth and each drowning she separated herself further from feeling as a mortal woman would feel. However, this time of living as a mortal with such pain was drawing to a close.

Ganga rose from the bed where she had been resting since she gave birth. This was the eighth and final time she would have to drown her child. The others that had been reincarnated into the bodies of her children had been punished but now it was time for the leader to live a life of punishment. He couldn't be sent back immediately to heaven like the others because he had planned to steal the cow for his wife.

Ganga knew that this time Santanu would try to stop her because he had watched her throughout the length of her pregnancy with sad eyes filled with questions. He would ask her this time and once the promise Santanu was broken she would take her son with her. She would teach her son all she knew and instill in him the honor that would help his soul to regain its rightful path. She would teach him of Dharma and he would be a just man.

Now wrapped in a simple sari, Ganga went into the next room and took the child from a wet nurse. She looked into her son's dark, curious eyes and almost felt pity for him. She felt remorse in a way because he was her son and he would grow up not knowing his father. She felt her face settle into a calm mask as she wrapped him in a blanket. She couldn't feel sorry for him. He was lucky to not be reborn to worse circumstances for having stolen the rare cow, Nandini, from Sage Vasishta. The sage could have easily cursed him to worse things. He allowed karma and Indra to see to the punishment instead of inflicting his own vengeance.

Ganga walked out of the nursery room. There was a stillness in the hallways and in the air of the palace because the people were grieving. On a day of birth they wore clothes of mourning, preparing a pyre that would go unused. They knew, after the first child, the promise the King had made her so that they could marry. King Santanu would have had eight sons with this child and she could feel their deep ire that she had taken these heirs from him.

They were not as understanding as he was.

Santanu had been heartbroken after the first child but he loved her. And in her way she loved him. He was worthy of the children she bore him even if they never lived. She had tried to keep herself separate from feeling love for Santanu or the children she drowned. She knew their fate as soon as they were conceived and yet, she still held a darkness in her heart mourning their loss. She wished, knowing that it couldn't be, that she could have had children with Santanu and not been bound to drown them and return them to heaven. She knew that drowning the children they had together hurt Santanu beyond all reason but he loved her so much that he was willing to forgive her for killing their children. For her, loving him was like touching the skin of a healed wound. The skin of the scar was numb but still then sensation of a soft touch came through to her and her heart ached wanting to feel more but wanting to be saved the pain.

She felt water at her feet. Looking at her surroundings, she realized that while in deep thought she had wandered to the riverside where she had drowned the children she had bore for Santanu. She turned towards the sound of approaching footsteps, as she held the child closely. Santanu was coming and he would question her and she would have to leave. She felt what happiness she had while living here drain from her and sorrow take its place. She would always fondly remember the love she and Santanu had shared and how he had made her happy. She could never come back after he questioned her decision to drown the child.

Author's Note: This story is taken from the beginning of The Mahabharata and what I wanted to get across was Ganga, as a deity, struggling with the human emotions she feels. I chose not to do the confrontation between her and King Santanu because I wanted her throughout the story to acknowledge him as being understanding and kind. However, I also wanted to get across that she would have liked to live a normal life with him, to give him sons and to be happy with him as a mortal. She can't do that though so I hope that a this story has a somber voice to it, filled with regret, because that is how I imagine her to be. Just as I imagine her to teach her son of they duties that bind him to honor and justice.

Chapter One: Surpanakha's Offer

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Chapter Three: Draupadi's Trial

Bibliography:
Narayan, R. K. (1978). The Mahabharata: A Shortened Modern Prose Version of the Indian Epic.

Image Source
Ganga's Descent