KAIKEYI'S REGRETS

Kaikeyi looked through her diary. She thought to herself, "What a life!" She recalled Bharata's birth. His pregnancy had been hard and painful on her. She also recalled how she felt the moment the mid-wives placed him in her arms as her dear Dasaratha looked on with pride. She sighed heavily and her shoulders slouched in a defeated way. "Old age has a way of diminishing one's happiness. All the accomplishments and pride I once held have withered away leaving me only with despair and regret", said Kaikeyi. She was sitting on her bed alone in her bedroom. Her words echoed back to her to emphasize her loneliness. She shook her head and lay down on the bed. Her thoughts drifted and then she thought of Kausalya, Sumitra and Sita. She was curious to know how their lives turned out to be. A slight feeling of apprehension and fear always stirred up within her whenever she remembered Kausalya, who was Rama's mother.
Kaikeyi got up from her bed and opened the window curtains. Sunlight streamed into the room, hurting her eyes but rejuvenating her mind. The sunlight took some of her sadness away. She tried to focus her thoughts on her son, Bharata but her mind kept drifting. She shivered as she recalled her conversation with the doctor a week ago.
Kaikeyi had not been feeling well a week ago but she played off the feeling assuming the sickness would wear off. To her dismay, it got worse. Her son Bharata finally persuaded her to see the doctor. The news was very disheartening. The doctor diagnosed her with a chronic stomach disease caused by an incurable virus. Although the doctor could not estimate the extent of damage, he told her she may have only a little more time to live.
Kaikeyi had kept this news from Bharata. Perhaps due to fear or shame or even love for her son, Kaikeyi could not bear to tell him, hence her sleepless nights and reminiscences. Kaikeyi was hoping to find some peace before she departed this world.
Out of all the things Kaikeyi had done in her life, she regretted one thing the most: the exile of her step-son Rama. She named this part of her life "a series of unfortunate events." Kaikeyi understands that she had  made bad choices, and that she was solely responsible for consequences. Yet, she could not help but regret the circumstances that lead to her decision - for example, her friendship with Kooni and her service to Dasaratha during the war. Yes, Karma had something to do with her situation; destiny had led her here but she still followed. Kaikeyi tried to shift her mind away from self-pity. She thought to herself, "After all, Rama accomplished great things during his exile. He made the world a better place. My son, Bharata, forgave me and loves me still. I have lived long and helped my community the best I could." She paused as she thought of her deceased husband Dasaratha and wondered if he had forgiven her and would be happy to see her in the afterlife. She had loved Dasaratha with all her heart and might, and a part of her had died with him.
Kaikeyi realised that this was truly her greatest fear: facing Dasaratha in the afterlife.

Life's regrets

Image Title: No Regrets
Image Source: Wisconsin Public Library

Author's Note: I touched on a part of Kaikeyi's life that is not mentioned in either part of the Ramayana. Kaikeyi is looking back on her life as she approaches death and has a series of scattered thoughts. I chose this style because I wanted to emphasize Kaikeyi's unrest and regret about the decision she had made a long time ago to cause Rama to be exiled. I told her story in retrospect, laded with regret and self pity. I tried to tell the story from her perspective alone because I felt Kaikeyi needed to be focused on. She had about five minutes of fame in the Ramayana and so I attempted to draw her out and let her speak for herself. I chose this image because I wanted to try something different. The picture basically sums up Kaikeyi's stage in life. I also figured Kaikeyi would love to read this book if it were available to her. On the other hand, I do not believe a book can lead to a regret-free life. No kind of literary masterpiece can free human beings from regret. Regret is a mind-set that we readily embrace then spend the last of our days trying to get rid of it. In Kaikeyi's case, she intends to carry her regrets to the next life.

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