Rules to Surviving a Horrorific Experience
as compiled by Greg Weiss
Firstly, skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful
way. Be a believer. You’re here and you’ll be here till you kill your monster
or die trying.
Secondly, don’t try to escape the town. The farther away you get, the more
“Forces” try to bring you back. No one’s ever made it, and you won’t
The general rule: If it’s evil, burn it. (Warning: Objects
that contain evil spirits should not be burned. See below.)
Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are. They
will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds
(see what happened?).
If something is altered or changed in some inexplicable way while you have
your back turned for just a second, RUN.
When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen. The
guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.
Stay away from Halloween Lake. Humans don’t breathe water well.
Vampires are slippery. Sometimes garlic, crucifixes, and UV lamps
work, other times they do not. Nothing beats a good old wooden stake
If children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should
not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot
them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will
probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to the ninth level
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb,
crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead (unless necessary to get the
If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find
out it's just a cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, run away as quickly as possible.
Do not take *anything* from the dead. Just burn it. (See above
for things not to burn.)
If you're running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite
the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If fleeing from a monster, make sure you have plenty of time to start your
car (which may not be easy, as Murphy’s Law dictates).
If running from the monster, try to make the least amount of noise possible.
Especially if you are female. Panting, crying, and screaming is not going
to help you hide any better, and may attract more monsters.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such
as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at
the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.
If your car runs out of gas late at night, don't go to the nearby deserted
looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and
the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering
irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.
The guy with the testosterone overdose is most likely dead meat. Along
with the guy that is always making jokes.
When you are searching around for a monster, turn on the lights!
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind
Never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It'll be the worst (if
not the last) day of your life.
Never babysit. There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer
flicks out there already.
If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you
lost him. He'll just pop through and kill you. Same goes for leaning
against the window.
Stay away from all teenagers, especially ones at wild parties.
If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable
one. All the other stoners will be killed.
Never let someone hypnotize you at a party.
Stay away from sewers.
If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check.
If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in
the electronic garage door will not help you any.
Never say "I'll be right back." You won't be back. End of story.
Don't ever do something just because someone dares you to.
If you ever find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!
If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: “DON'T fall asleep,
DON'T go out there, DON'T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath
by yourself”) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
A little Halloween celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the
attendees say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even
have the barbecue with out you!", run as quickly as you can.
Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in
a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you
let your guard down.
Never go back for anything you lost.
Avoid people with pointy teeth. Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
Avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan.
If the barber remarks on the "strange" tattoo someone has, “get” the bearer
of the tattoo.
If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT
stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.
Never buy a toy that talks back.
Remember: Just say "NO" to human blood.
Never watch a horror movie while you're here.
If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen
while jumping rope, consider moving.
If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night and try to get rid
of him, make sure that he is dead!
Never, EVER play with any Ouijia board.
Never run into a deserted graveyard, unless necessary to kill the monster.
Never answer the phone when you are babysititng. Just get the hell out of
there and leave the kids for dead.
If you think you see your friend and he/she is wearing a mask, not talking,
or conspicuously hiding their face, it's not him/her.
Don't be mean to anyone. They will just end up killing you.
If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to,
oh let's say, a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find
out what it is.
Never touch something that just oozed out of a comet or meteor.
When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain,
not to mention a good use of fire. If you they still want to eat you after
that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.
Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it's loaded.
Never try to unmask the killer. That only works for meddling kids
and their dog.
If you find the mangled body of a friend, camping partner, janitor, or whom
ever, don't stay and investigate. Run and regroup.
Don't spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of
medieval weaponry. It will be used eventually.
If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn't
stick around to ask about his pot of gold.
Never transport the killer in an ambulance from one place to another. Even
if they've been in a coma for 10 years, they'll wake up.
Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.
Never say "Who's there?"
If your hand has been possessed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your
hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak
havoc independent of your body. You should probably just burn it where
If you have a feeling you'll end up being chased by zombies during the night,
remember to wear comfortable running shoes.
If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and quite attractive,
well, you are pretty much doomed. Your only hope is to be the nice, shy girl.
Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.
When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.
If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around creepy dolls, back
away slowly, then run and don’t stop.
If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop
car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn
out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:
A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that
will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster
as to where you are.
B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help
you, this will only distract the killer away from you for
a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting
C. The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop
and just when you
think you are safe...he will kill you.
Beware the “scientist”. They always want to study "it," or take "it" back
to the corporate masters, or learn from "it" at the expense of comrades lives.
Eggheads are always trying to understand the unknown, and get nearly everyone
killed doing it. Get a clue, watch the guy with the pocket protector, and
employ him only during his usefulness.
If the killer is after you and you somehow manage to knock him down, don't
get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer after you
kick him a couple times.
Whenever possible, don't try just cutting off its head or anything cheap.
Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.
If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must
be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise
If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because sooner
or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of
'em. Try to find a good potion that’ll knock out zombie-itis.
If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take
this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons,
If someone is missing, he/she are probably already dead. If he/she
comes back, watch him/her carefully.
Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything
cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.
If you are a guy don't hang around with the native women because they will
get you killed by screaming when the killer is near.
No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it can appear
Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.
If people tell you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people
right around this area, listen to them. They are some of the few who know
what’s going on.
When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to choke the hero, kill
him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall you and act human, but he
isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill him.
If you are being followed by the killer don't stop and look around if he
isn't in sight because he will appear behind you.
If you see a guy with black, scruffy hair, a black trench coat, and no eyes,
run away. Do NOT try to hurt him, it only makes him stronger.
Try to avoid the surrounding forests, unless necessary to get the monster.
The aforementioned “Forces” may mistake your action for an attempt to escape.
If you’re facing ghosts, leave it up to some sort of “ghost buster” and
Sequel monsters are very bad news. The body count is usually much
higher, and the monster usually must be killed differently each time.
Your only hope is to be creative.
Rule Numero Uno: Keep your clothes on, no matter what!