"What did you do in there?!" I exclaimed. "You were absolutely wasted when you went in, but now you seem fine! How is that possible?"
"Haha," laughed Rama. "Perhaps you forget that I am a god incarnate and an ultimate warrior."
"This is ridiculous," I thought to myself. "You have drunk ten times the alcohol that I have, but now I am the tipsy one. Unbelievable." I sat there determined not to order any more alcohol because I knew I could not last much longer. Rama, however, kept going at the same pace he had been all night.
"Alright, buddy," I started, "lets hear that third story."
"So there we were," Rama began. "My brother had just finished setting us up a little house along the Godavari River when all of a sudden the most hideous creature I had ever seen came walking up to us. She was even worse looking than Taraka."
"Impossible," I started. "No one could possibly be any worse looking than that Taraka you were telling me about."
"Oh on the contrary, my friend. This she-devil's name was Surpanakha. She was the rakshasa king's sister and she was as ugly as sin. She was only about five and a half feet tall, she weighed well over two hundred and fifty pounds, she had disgusting yellow skin, fangs, five inch long fingernails, and she was going bald. She still had some hair, but she was having to comb it over the top to cover her bald spot."
"You're right," I conceded, "She is definitly more ugly than Taraka."
"You know what's worse than seeing a girl that ugly?" Rama asked me. "Having a girl that ugly hitting on you in front of your wife. Worse of all, she thought she actually had a chance!"
"Wow, what was she thinking? Maybe she just has a thing for the color blue," I told Rama, laughing.
"She started telling me how she had chosen me to be her husband and that I should come back with her to her brother's place. I just laughed and told her to get lost. Unfortunately, she needed a little bit more persuading than that."
"What did you do to her?" I asked him.
" I did only what was unnecessary. She tried to hurt Sita because I had turned her down and I really had no choice but to stop her by force. She lunged after Sita, so I caught her, cut off her ears and nose, and I ripped out some of her hair, making her bald spot even bigger."
"Haha," I laughed, "I thought you did only what was unnecessary."
"Well, the bald spot thing was just for fun, but she deserved the rest of it."
"So what happened after that?" I asked Rama.
"Well, apparently she ran back to her brother and told him what a horrible person I was for doing that to her. Do you remember that Ravana I was telling you about? That's the guy. He was extremely unhappy and when he vowed to fight me it basically turned into World War III."
Rama stopped to take another drink so I took the opportunity to check my phone. It was still recording so I felt pretty good about having this story documented.
"So that's what your fourth story is about, isn't it? That girl's brother? " I asked him.
"Indeed," he said calmly. "If I had known what I was getting into, I probably would have just left that Surpanakha alone."
"Well, you live and learn. That's what I always say."
I decided to order one more drink while I listened to this last story. Surely one more wouldn't hurt.
Lakshmana, Rama, and Sita with Surpanakha in the forest.
Source: Ramakatha Rasavahini
Author's Note: I based the story about Surpanakha on Buck's version of what happened. It was true that she was terribly ugly and in his version she did have yellow skin and claws on her fingers. However, I added the part about her going bald. I thought that would make her seem even uglier. In reality, no one could possibly be any uglier than I tried to make Taraka seem, but the bald spot pushed it over the top to me. The biggest change I made to the story was that Rama claimed he was the one who stepped in to save Sita. In Buck's version, Lakshmana was clearly the one who did that. I also needed a way to get Rama back on track after drinking so much throughout the first two stories. It was true about him being a god so I figured he could get rid of his alcohol any way he wanted to. The other stuff, about building the house by the river and how Surpanakha told Rama she had chosen him to be her husband and all that, was all part of the original story.
Bibliography: Buck, William (1976). Ramayana: King Rama's Way
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