chapter1

Brahma creates Ahayla as the absolute beauty; her name means perfection. Guatama raises her to protect her from Indra. Brahma unites them in marriage because of Guatama’s “purity of mind and heart (Narayan 21). However, Indra still lusts after Ahayla and disguises himself as her husband in order to make love to her. Indra is caught and cursed with the marks of the female genitalia. In his anger, Guatama transforms his wife into a statue.

My creative retelling Heart Turned to Stone describes Ahayla and Guatama trying to find peace in their relationship following the brutal attack on Ahayla and on their marriage. In Heart's Desire Ahayla pours out an apologetic heart to her husband. The stories are followed with analysis of the relationship compared to the larger epic of the Ramayana.

heartsline

Heart Turned to Stone:
A Relationship After Rape

Ahayla

I am haunted by the memories. Sometimes the hurt becomes too much. It is easier to shut down. The sting of suffering cannot reach a heart encased in a hard, protective shell- but then, neither can love. I guess it is fitting I serve a sentence in stone. It is a state of emotional purgatory. Even my heart has turned to stone.

My heart and my body were two jewels from the same crown. A gift from Brahma. A gift from me. I freely offered both to Gautama. I thought it was my husband returning home to me. But Indra stole one of those jewels. Indra deserves his punishment. Husband, why me? I needed comfort. Instead I was cursed. I thought our love could survive anything.

My loneliness screams!!!! Oh when will Rama come? Let the dust of his feet fall on me! The one event of long ago has permanently altered me. The wounds might not be fresh, but the scars will last a lifetime. I was raped. I was robbed of my innocence, my life. But I will go on. I wipe my face, hold my head up high, and shout to the heavens, “I WILL SURVIVE! Our love is worth fighting for!”

Guatama

Ahayla, you were perfect for me. You knew who I was. You knew what I was going to say before the words left my lips. You possessed all the beauty of all the worlds.

As a protector, I let you down. I can’t believe I was fooled by that despicable god. But finding him in our bed was more than I could bear. For the first time in my life I was angry. Angry at Indra for the rape. Angry at myself for failing you. And, forgive me, angry at you. Seeing your flesh entangled with another man ripped out my heart.

I realize now it was not your fault. Once you recognized the deceit, it was too late. Oh, my lethal tongue. A curse so easily spoken, but difficult to erase. I want to rescue you from the pain. Now, only Rama can set you free.

Perfection, you are still the one I love. The one my heart longs to hold. I cannot erase the tragedies of your darkest hour, would you settle for a man who just wants to hold you for eternity?

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heartsline

Heart's Desire:
Adultery and Forgiveness

To Guatama, my love:

You were my true love. You were the one to whom I gave my heart. You were the man with whom I shared my hopes, dreams, fears, and principles. We were very innocent, you and I. You had already made the difficult bridge from boyhood to sage, but I was just beginning on my own journey. You and I were different. The depth of our love was greater than the span of our ages. Our love was our strength.

I remember when Brahma first presented me to you. You carried me home in your chariot. The euphoria was overwhelming. Holding you close and feeling the freedom of the countryside gave me a sense of joy I will never forget. It was before we had held hands, before we ever kissed, and before I knew I would come to love you.

        I marvel that you were so honorable. Because of the purity of your heart and mind Brahma joined us in matrimony. Every morning you awoke with the rooster’s crow to practice yoga and mantras. I am proud of you for your moral fiber. I am proud to have been loved by you.

        But I am not proud of how it ended between us. We were married for many years. I was just beginning to understand all that the world had to offer. I wanted to explore, to find out what I thought of the world and what the world thought of me. I wanted to risk, to experience, to grow up. Yet I still wanted you. And along came Indra. I was not faithful.

        You held me like a budding flower though my adolescence. You saw my blossoming body in its awkward stages, and you called me beautiful. You were so much older and yet so innocent. You did not pluck me from the garden. Rather, I made you wither. I am so deeply sorry.

        How can it be that you were so loving and so tender to me but that was not enough? Why did I feel the need to turn from my first true love? I saw through Indra’s disguise, but I was curious.

        Many years have passed. I still carry the scars of tearing away from you. I wait anxiously for Rama to forgive my sins. But I also carry the self-esteem, the confidence, and the knowledge that I shared a wonderful part of my life with you.

        I see you sometimes checking on me. It is awkward to see you. I am so proud that you wait for me. Part of what I learned in my days of confinement is the value of true love and the honor of commitment. In the end, I have found my heart’s desire. You, my husband. I want you to know how much I love you. And how sorry I am that I hurt you.

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Narayan's Ramayana is vague on the encounter between Indra and Ahayla. When I first read it I felt she was raped. I was outraged that she was punished for being a victim. Indra deserves his punishment to be covered with the female organ. As Ahayla pleads, Guatama realizes his haste and destines Rama as her salvation. Converting Indra's marks into eyes mirrors the unfairness of today's judicial system. He is free of humiliation while Ahayla continues carrying the physical and emotional scars. The dialog Heart Turned to Stone was inspired by this account.

The story of Ahayla and Guatama in Buck’s Ramayana is also brief. The main difference is she knew the man was not her husband, but she made love to him out of curiosity. They almost get away with the affair, but Guatama came home early. He curses Indra and stripes his wife of her beauty. With compassion, Guatama forgives her by making Rama the means of her purification. This version motivated the love letter Heart's Desire.

The love affair of Ahayla and Guatama is a fascinating survey of trust and forgiveness in a relationship. Their history unfolds when Rama and his mentor journey through the forest on the way to Mithila where Rama finds his own true love. This encounter prepares him as a husband; this is a sharp contrast to his warrior training. Rama shows his compassion to Ahayla, “Let not your heart be burdened with what is past and gone” (Narayana 22). This gesture of forgiveness is ironic considering later in the Ramayana Sita must prove her purity with Fire and Earth. And she still is exiled because of false rumors about her imprisonment with Ravana.

One theme introduced with this story is the anger of the ascetics. The rage of a sage! With this powerful emotion they wield great influence. For example, Sage Mantanga’s curse on Vali for defiling his alter provides sanctuary for Sugriva (Buck 191). Another major theme here is the use of curses, especially as revenge. Another curse made in anger protects Sita during her imprisonment in Lanka. After Rambha’s rape by Ravana, Nalakubara declares Ravana’s ten heads will burst if he forcefully takes another woman (Buck 180).

Bibliography:
Buck, William. Ramayana. Berkeley: University of California Press, 1976. pages 51-53.
Narayan, R.K. Ramayana. New York: Penguin Books, 1972. pages 20-22.

Painting Information:
Love Songs, Art of Legend India
Buttons and bars from www.courhome.net