Fri. September 10, 1999- Wow! Sorry folks, I have been really busy.  I feel like a zombie (I don't look
like one yet.).  Classes are going great.  I think that all the years I have had in school have given me an
edge over most students.  It just hit me though, If I would have not spent my first years in college goofing
around or at least stuck with one major, I would be closer to a Ph.D.  Ahhhh, but I would have missed
out on those bits of exciting scenarios that I call my life.  So which is it?  Regret at not growing up sooner,
or happiness with life.  I think I choose life.
    Last week my sister Maya and mt brother in-law Michael went to the C&A  (Cheyenne and Arapaho)
pow wow in Colony.  Uncle Bruce and aunt Susie set up a booth there.  They wanted us to come down
and visit and help out.  It was a huge blast (and we got paid!).  I got some really great pics.  I will post
them here on the my sight soon.
    Their is so much feeling when I hear the drum beats at a powwow or when  we go to a ceremony.  I can feel each beat in my chest, in my heart, in my soul.  I look to the people and I can see that they feel the same.  It does not matter if the people there with me are White, Indian, Black, or Asian.  We all feel the rhythm dancing within us.  And we dance together.
 

Fri. September 17, 1999-  Good grief.  I am really slacking off on my duties as a  serious web master
here.  I offer my apologies to my many (ahem!) fans out there.  This week has been one long continuos
chore of studying, reviewing, and setting up my new computer.  All right so setting up the new Gateway
500 Meg Pentium III with surround sound and a Voodoo 3, (Drool!) with a huuuge 20 gig hard drive and
DVD player (Drool! [If I keep this up, I am going to faint!]) was not that much of a chore.  I swear to the
Creator that it felt like Yule, with those big ol boxes staring at me to open them up and play.  Now all I
am lacking is the web cam (See the coming soon section.) and this sight will finally start to form.  But I
had to take time off from playing to (sigh) study.  All well, I can't eat my computer if I don't get a decent
job to support my writing habit.  Yet this new computer will elevate me to a higher standard of creativity.
Yes, I can see it now, My thoughts will course through the Universe at the speed of light.  Lightening will
burst from my fingertips, imprinting a plethora of ideas and spirit to and from the center of creation.  This
new computer will not be a toy to avoid life it will illuminate life.  I will not fall to the stereotype and shun
all humanity in favor of hiding in my own little realm of fantasy and bit map explosions.  Would I wish
only to experience life on a two dimensional screen?  Nay!  I will put down the joystick.  I will turn my
gaze from the faults of electronic entertainment as a Christian would turn their gaze from Gomorra.
OHHH the sins of....WHOOPS!  Sorry folks.  Gotta go.  Quake II is calling to me.  Time to vaporize
some alien scum!
 
 

Wed. September 22, 1999-  This week has been really good.....so far.  I passed a quiz that I thought I
would be having trouble with.  But it turned out that I got all the answers correct.  I should just trust my
own self confidence more often.  I am having a touch of trouble with some of the reading materials
though.  I find some of them really boring.  But they will serve the purpose of granting me my education
and I need to build more character.
    I thought I would be having trouble concentrating with the new toy at home (See last entry.).  But
strangely I find this *gasp* responsible person inside of me (How long has he been there?).  I seem to
enjoy staying at the top of my classes and passing all my quizzes.  Maybe it is an ego thing?  You know,
I'm a Legend in my own mind type of deal.  Or maybe I find myself closer to my goals, once I finally
realized them.  I do know that I do not plan to run out of goals.

Mon.  September 27, 1999-  Where did the weekend go?  I went to sleep on Friday night and woke up on
Monday morning.  I swear as I get older the more the days seem to blaze by.  Sweet youth slips through
my fingers.  Could I be going through a pre-midlife crisis?  Will I soon be hitting on young women and
trying to buy a sporty little car?  Will I battle aging with a pernicious mindset?  What will I buy the
sporty car with?  What does pernicious mean?  These questions haunt me.  Oh what am I worrying
about?  I have nothing to fear.  I am destined to mature into a gracious manner of existence.  I will slip
into maturity as gracefully as the sun shall set upon the horizon, beautifully.  Hey.  I wonder how much a
tattoo would cost?

Friday. October 1, 1999-  Well hell.  I had kept up my journal pages faithfully but, the Server at my school erased them and all I had left was my first entry.  All of that knowledge and insight, gone in a flash of electrons.  Mayhaps it is a conspiracy to keep my thoughts leaking from my head to an unsuspecting world.  Naw.  More likely it is just dumb bad luck.
    Once what was ashes shall now be rebuilt into a sculpture of free thought and unlimited beauty.  Or at least some cool links to some naked celebrities sights....NOT!

Thurs.  October 10, 1999-  I got a wonderful package in the mail today.  Thank you.  I know where my directions lead to, but I also know that they will not be easy.  Right now I can see parts of me, some parts I like, others I don't.  I know answers are forthcoming, but I have to fight harder to grab them.  And at times, the answers are placed before me to trip upon.  But know this, a part of me waits and dreams of you, the other half.

Mon.  November 8, 1999- Well it has been a long time.  My site was down for awhile now.  Unfortunatley my webpage was corrupted and shutdown.  The server lost my pics and my poetry page.  Now I am ....aggrivated, to say the least.  Well I am not going without a fight.  Now I am back and full strength.  I am mad that it took me so long to get this show back on the road.  Between my studies and my active social lif...  well at least my studies I have not been able to commit time to put my page back up.  I don't know.  Maybe I have more time than I think.  If I don't have time, I MAKE time.  If I want this to be worth it, I simply will make it worth my while.

Tues.  December 28, 1999-All right my apologies to all!  This has been a hell of a busy time for me.  My poor computer is now finally well and back online with webcam!  Unfortunatley I lost all of my data, but nothing too important.  Thank the god for warranty.
    I made an addition to my page recently but I do not know what I was thinking when I made the Patches the Communist hamster addition to my page.  I think I was really bored, exhausted, mentally unstable, etc. etc.  Any way I took it off the main page since Patches went back home to my niece today.  the little graphic will be linked through here only.
    Classes went well enough this semester.  In Kiowa III  I recieved a B for the semester.  As this was the last class for Kiowa language, I will miss it very much.  My sister got an A, of which she contantly reminds me.  In Native American Philosophy I got a B as well.  I tribute that to my term paper for that class.  The subject was of the Zuni Shalako ceremony held every year.  Unfortunatly the subject could not be formatted on a measly 10 page paper.  I ran over 11 and a 1/2 pages as it was.  Hopefully that did not count against me too much.  The final exam was cake though.  In U.S. History I got a B+.  I didn't try real hard in that class and the B reflects that.  Fianally I got an A in Native Peoples of North America.  That class was complete cake.  I am kind of mad at myself for getting mostly B's, but I admit that these grades are a damn far sight better than my days at ole Ft.  Lewis college in Durango colorado.  The fact that I can compete at a large University after attending a tiny Liberal Arts college boosts my ego to the extreme.  And we won't even go into the second rate education I got at the schools on the rez.
    Well this is the first annual Check out the haul I got for Yule this year on my site.  I decided to show the world my christmas presents.
Everyone seems to be excited about this whole millinium business.  Call me an old fuddy-duddy (But not to my face, I am about six foot three inches and I bite!...just kidding...no really:)  but I don't buy into this whole milinium thing.  It seems to be an exscuse for everyone to make an ass of themselves and the fullblown jerks evolve into purebreed assholes.  I am just going to take it easy.

Sun.  January 2, 2000-Hey!  We are all still here!  I really did not expect anything serious to happen, but when nothing does happen it is nice to breath a sigh of relief (Confusing eh?).  I  did not spend new years at home like I intended.  My sister and brother in-law celebrated their one year marriage anniversary on New years eve (YEAA!).  My cousin came into town.  So we went to a place on campus called Mr. Bills, known affectionatley to many as Dr. Bills.  They had a band squeezed onto the tiny stage and they played their hearts out.  All in all I had a good time.
At first I felt really pessimistic about the millinium.  I mean another thousand years of people being assholes to one another?  Come on.  Then I began to remember many other things.  Friends  I made in Colorado, my family, new friends in Oklahoma, learning to speak Kiowa the language of my ancestors, my professors, their wisdom and the chance to learn from them, the feeling you get when good original music strike the chord within, love in all its forms and the ability to express it, and the power of creating art, poetry and the beauty and sharing it.
I tend to whine alot, but when it comes down to the line, I have had it really good.  I have experienced love and happiness, the compassion and passion of others.  I have never been want for hardly any physical comforts or necessities such as food or shelter.  And I am recieving an education in college and in life that so many others in this world do not have the chance to get.  I am a very lucky man.  Yes.
 

Wed.  January 19, 2000-Hello!  If I keep gradually adding to my journal , I will be adding to it everyday like I should.  Oh well forced genius is not genius....(I have no Idea what I'm saying.).  Classes are going well enough.  It is strange, last semester, my classess dealt with the history of Native Tribes and the history of the U.S.   It was hard to read the horrid things that happened, and not feel anger.  But anger is too easy of a feeling and serves no use to me.  I have known people that were angry over the mistreatment of natives, anger bordering on hate.  I used to be one of those people.
I look at my friends that I have made, and to me they are my friends, my family, no color enters my sight. Only my heart can see them.  And that is how they see me, with their hearts.  If it is possible for my friends and me to see so clearly, it is possible for others to see as well.
 

Fri.  January 28, 2000-YIPPEEE!  No school!  thanx to the snow storm that has paralyzed the state of Oklahoma, college courses for Thursday and Friday have been cancelled!  Mass parties have begun in earnest all across campus.  Thankfully many Oklahomans do not know how to handle a bit of snow (Yes I know this sounds snobbish but after living in Colorado and experiencing real snowstorms this nothing.).  The question remains WHAT TO DO!  Stir crazy and slap happy  are terms already flying around our abode.  I have already envisioned Mike (My brother-inlaw) as a turkey and then a hotdog (just like the bugs bunny cartoons).  Strangely enough we do not have a shortage of  food around our house and I am becoming worried.  I believe this is a sign that we need to leave the house.
 

Tue. Febuary 29, 2000-HAPPY LEAP YEAR EVERYONE!  And by the way...I'M BAAACK!  I know I have been an awful webmaster by not updating my journal and letting down my many many fans...you can quit laughing now thankyou.  Anyway this has been a really busy semester.  I know I know I say that every semester, but DAMN!  being a grownup is hard, and this is not even the real world...this is college.  Well now that the complimantary whining is over lets get to the news of my life.  Classes are going great, except I made a 79 on my midterm for Native History...I know I could do better than that.  I am kinda mad at myself for that one.
But others things are looking up.  I do not want to jinx it by putting it on the journal so early, so I will just keep my fingers crossed.  (I gotta say that she is real cute though:)=
By the way, this little symbol:

                                        :)=

is a vampire, well at least a lopsided one.
 

Tue. March 21, 2000-Ok I plan to be a better webmaster for now on....no I mean it this time!  Anyway hello again.  I just finishsed with springbreak.  Frankly it went by to fast!  Man I cannot wait till graduation!  Then I can look forward to at least 6 more years of college when I go for a masters and a Ph.D.!  I am not sure where I want to go for my masters program yet.  The University of New Mexico looks nice and I miss Albuqueque.  Then again Boulder looks nice too.  But on advice from a good friend, a smaller school like NAU (Northern Arizona University.)  would serve me well.  But what about colleges back east.  Or maybe even....California.  I heard that Berkly (sp?) in San Francisco is pretty good.  I have a good friend who went there for a year then transferred to UCLA.  I am not sure yet.  Many horizons are before me now.  And there is still so much that I want to do.
Other events in my life are rather still the same.  I am still confused on the romantic prospect(s?) in my life right now.  After my breakup with last years spring and summer fling things have been reallllly slow for me.  I have to admit that that has been pretty cool for me.  It gave me a chance to look at my lessons from the last relationship.  I was not expecting much attention from the opposite sex and then....BAM!  Lo and behold a friend of Mike's ( a ravishing redhead) has  been lavishing attention on me,  some cutey asked my sister if I was available, an ex of mine was making familiar advances towrds me, and I have my eye on someone who might read this so I will not give her name, but I am not sure if she really likes me in that way or maybe I am just filled with wishfull thinking.  Anyway it kinda happened all at once and it is kinda comical.  Maya asked me if I was emmiting some type of phermone or something.  I don't know.  Life is just too damn short to worry about it though.  Maybe I should just leap in like when I was young and enjoy it while I can!
 

Mon. Aug.  28, 2000-Well after an eternity I am back.  Not with anymore answers than last time, but not as ignorant as b4 (Ah yes.  the transatlantic flight I call my life continues.  Please keep your trays in an upright position.  In the event of a water landing your mousepad also acts as a floatation device and hang on to your muffins!).   Apologies to those keeping up with the journal, 2 much has been/is going on, as usual.
Communication.  What a skill, not 1 of my best, but that is why I am in college.  One coming late into this journal would be aware of my thoughts/psychosis (sp?) but would not see the full picture of knowing me personally.  That is taken at the observers risk.  Someone that has known me would have a better insight into the being that I am.  Sharing yourself with individuals is a big responsibility. I can see that now.  This demands the upmost truth, not only 2 the others that u allow to share your thoughts and desires with, but also to yourself.  It is easier to ignore this, too easy.  This is one the sayings I always spout off about.  If it is too easy it is usually not the right choice.  I have taken the easy route 4.....FOR far too long!
There is a popular Muslim phrase which states (If I am incorrect in properly stating this please forgive me.  I mean no disrespect.):

                                If Allah drops a peach into your lap enjoy it.

Well plenty of peaches have fallen onto my lap.  Now is the time for me to find my own and not expect anymore to come to me.  Gee.  I guess I got to work for it.  I know that this realization maybe several years too late but I do not intend to forget this valuable lesson.
Truth.  It is damned hard to find any in this world.  At least I could offer some dammit.  I thought that you knew of my website and I apologize for not clarifying it.  I know it seems that you are absent from my pages except for one entry (See October 10, 1999.).  And I know that this was also unfair to write it that way.  Unfair for me to place such expectations on you.  Now repeat after me....We are all individuals....We are all individuals (If you do not understand see Monty Python's The Life of Brian.)  What I am trying to say is that I have been lax in honoring that individuality in you and in myself as well.  I think that is one of the reasons I have decided to make this journal apart of my website. The neverending quest to find me (Gods what an adventure!). I had doubts about making the journal for fear of hurting or embarassing anyone.  That includes you.  Yet I sacrificed the truth in the process, more out of my own selfish reasons rather than out of any other concerns.  I can see now that that was too easy of a route for me to take.  Now at least I can offer the truth.  What is going to happen now?  I do not know.  Apart of me wishes it could know ahead of time, but (Yep.  You guessed it!)  too easy.  What do I want?  Wait and see.  Believe me each and every day I get closer to finding out as well.
 

Tue. Nov. 7, 2000-Well hello world!....I'm baaaaack!  (Handshakes all around.)  I have never understood the term Senioritis untill this semsester!  Gods!  I am tiring quickly.  I can finally see the finish line.  But many a perilous tasks lie before me.  I have a project for me Native Economic developement course as well as a paper for that class coming up.  In My Research and studie methods another presentation and paper is going to be due soon.  In my botany class (YUCK!)  I need to study for a midterm (Tonight!) and write a paper for extra credit.  In My History of  Science I need to complete several journal entries and complete another paper; and in my Native American Music class I need to prepare for another exam.  At least the weather is cold finally.  Now I am preparing to hibernate for the winter but alas my studies will not allow it.
When something wonderful happens in your life, you just want to spin around until  you become dizzy and shout to the world your happiness.  Regardless if the world understands or not!  Yet it is important to remember that happiness because of an individual is wonderful, but that the potential for happiness was inside of me all along.  It is a really important fact that sharing it with somebody is wonderful in many different senses!  Well world, regardless if u undersatnd or not, I am dizzy and I am shouting out my happiness!

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